During my 30s while going through my own romantic drama and heartache, a friend once said to me, “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” Her words have always stuck with me and I totally understood the truth in her advice, but didn’t necessarily apply it to my life when it came to romantic interests.
There is no doubt that one’s behavior is the telltale sign of someone’s true nature, words are fleeting. It is the age old advice that actions speak louder than words. Although I have seen women, including myself, barrel thru these neon red flags of behavior when it comes to romantic interests. These signs alert us to the truth of another’s character and caution us to DON’T GO DOWN THAT ROAD.
So the big question is…
Why don’t women believe a man’s actions, when they show us who they are?
One of my favorite episodes of “Sex and the City” is when Carrie’s new boyfriend, Berger, is having dinner with the girls and Miranda is sharing her recent date experience. The girls are coddling Miranda and affirming that the guy will call her and that he is in fact interested. Berger’s opinion gets solicited and he simply states, “Honestly, the guy is just not into you.” The girls are mortified that he would say such a thing to Miranda and that he is wrong and not being nice. Miranda however, is interested in the male perspective and asks him to expand. He shares that when a guy is interested, he’s coming inside when invited in at the end of a date, whether he has an early meeting the next morning or not; and he’s not leaving without booking the next date.
If a guy is interested, you will know, there is no second guessing. If you have to second guess, then he is not interested.
Women have all had these exhausting conversations with our girlfriends trying to decode his behavior, to the point of ad nauseam. We also waste time and energy over-analyzing the behavior of a guy we are dating, making excuses for him, and justifying his behavior. These hours of wasted suffering, worry, and anxiety couldn’t be more counterproductive.
The truth is, if you are having to try and determine if he is really interested and available, then the answer is crystal clear – He is NOT. When a guy is truly interested, there is no question, no wondering, and no self-imposed drama trying to figure it out. You won’t have to ask yourself or anyone else, it will be obvious, because his behavior will tell you loud and clear when he is interested, anything less should reveal to you, “he’s just not that into you”.
If the answer is that black and white, then the real question is…
Why don’t women want to see the obvious answer when he is just not that into you?
We drag ourselves thru hell not wanting to see it. We waste time on the wrong guy, we lose hours of productivity, and we can end up with a guy that is not emotionally available, who will never commit, and ultimately won’t respectful to us.
I have always known the answer had something to do with women not wanting to feel rejected, so we lie to ourselves to try and avoid the inevitable hurt. However, through my own recent experience in recognizing quickly that this guy was just not that into me and letting it go quickly…
I realized something that felt profound to me…
We don’t want to acknowledge the truth because we deeply personalize the rejection, to the point of attaching our value and self-worth to whether or not this guy is interested. We give our power away and rely on the validation of a man to tell us that we are good enough. If they aren’t interested, we then ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?”
In fact, we are often so consumed with whether or not the guy likes us, that we don’t even bother to check in with our own feelings of whether or not we like him. Miranda demonstrates this perfectly in the Sex and the City scene. When asked how her date was with the real estate guy, she responds with “actually it wasn’t horrible”. She didn’t say “it was great” or “I really liked him”, yet the dilemma was still whether or not he would call! AH, WHAT??
Wake up ladies, this is a two way interview. Your value and worth has nothing to do with his perception of you, good or bad. Take your power back and trust the process. If you two are meant to be together, there is nothing that will keep you apart. But, even if you are really into him and he isn’t into you, trust it is meant to be, for your well-being as and his. Most importantly, it is not personal and it says absolutely nothing about your value as a human being, how lovable you are, or whether or not you will ever find Mr. Right.
Giving our power away, by basing our worth on someone else’s opinion of us will always create emotional suffering. When you shift into what you want, instead of whether or not someone want’s you – freedom and liberation will take a hold of you and move you forward gracefully.
When he is just not into you, it is a gift! Yes, I said a GIFT. For now you have the perfect situation to practice your own awakening and remembering the truth of who you are… whole, complete, lovable, and worthy – with or without a man. You were born into the world as pure love and nothing outside of you changes this. You only have to reclaim your power from within and let your own heart sing.
I can promise you this sister, when you are over flowing with love from within, you will only attract and be attracted to the real deal when it comes to romantic love. Even more importantly, you won’t waste another thought or emotion on a guy that is just not that into you. It won’t even register on your radar, because it just won’t matter to you – it will no longer equate to meaning anything about you. You won’t take it personally you, you won’t allow it to devalue you, and you’ll move on quickly and happily.